Friday 18 September 2015

shivers

my first day of going back to work didnt go well as i thought it would be. i was fine when i was at the office. but when i got home.. i started to feel very light headed and chills. i felt soo cold i couldnt stop shivering! and then high fever. i dont know why the fever suddenly got me. maybe its the weather (it was raining heavily that morning and haze) or maybe breast engorgement (i forgot my pump, so it was really swollen and painful :( ) OR maybe because i didnt get enough sleep. only slept for 3 hours the night before. so i got into bed early and woke up the next morning for work feeling okay. but nooo, when i reached work.... i got the shivers and headaches again! i couldnt got a hold on meds so i battled through it until 5pm :( 

but im okay now. i think. anyway, thank you for the milk booster recommendations! i will def try those. especially oats(cookies and porridge sounds good) yes, its still low. esp now that im working..... sigh. 

and yknow.... i still feel emotional. today at work i had to hide inside the toilet twice cause i felt like crying. i was looking at my two girls pictures and i felt so guilty for not being with them. i couldnt help myself. okay, i dont blame postpartum. maybe its just me. i was like this when airis was a year old.. i remember when my friend brought her daugther to school and i instantly cried cause she reminded me of mine ;( there's nothing more sad to me than feeling like..... okay, i cant seem to put it into words haha. 

i got to blog this time cause baby and airis are sleeping. but baby is awake now. so bye!

Tuesday 15 September 2015

Working Again

so, i just got back to work today and here i am at the office blogging cause i want to take my mind off things. mind you, it hasnt even been 2 weeks since i gave birth.. so i have been feeling "sad" lately (as they called it "postpartum depression"). i know its pretty normal that i am missing the baby right now, but even when im with her.. i have this strong urge to cry! :( 



also.. i suck at breastfeeding. i reallyyyyy wanna breastfeed but my milk supply is not enough (as i can tell by the baby's cries). here am i at work but i only left around 6oz of pumped breastmilk at home! i couldnt pump more than 2oz per day without leaving some for the baby :( i feel so guilty that i cant even "satisfy" her needs. i guess this is why people often say that breastfeeding requires great patience! due to me being at work 9hours per day, 6 times a week.. we had to option for "mixed-feeding". ONLY if needed though. Only if my pumped breastmilk is not enough while im away. i know "formula-feeding" your child is something that isnt approved here in my country.. but hey i cant help it! i cant let my baby starve! to ease your mind, yes i am still breastfeeding. so yes i am still giving her the benefits of a mother's milk. so please, dont judge. i am currently trying out things to increase my supply cause i really want to continue breastfeeding. if any of you know an effective way to increase supply fast, do let me know in the comments! im so jealous when other mothers posted pictures of their supply!! i wish i can do that! :/ 

okay i dont know what has gotten into me in writing this post. this breastfeeding topic has been going around my head for a while and i just wanna let it all out. haha. alsoooo... Airis has been a little jealous of her baby sister! i also have little time to play with her and i cant help feeling guilty :( i usually just let her play with her tab or watch cartoons (and quietly! cause the baby was always asleep) sighhhh. but yeah.. my attachment work ends on the 22 oct. so i will have my full time with my children when the time comes. and i couldnt be more thankful for my mom to take care of them. 

Wednesday 9 September 2015

New Baby Has Arrived!

i just had a baby! i know its not my first but this pregnancy is different and i want to write it all down here for future readings, so if you expect for a beauty-related post.. you can stop reading now haha.

ever since my due date is getting nearer (3rd September), the waiting felt like foreverrrrr. i couldnt wait to have my baby. i started having my day off from work on my 38th week and i've been fairly active doing routines and all that. but as the days got nearer, i started to ache all over my leg area. i cant even stand up for more than a minute without complaining. honestly, i was really anxious for delivery day. it was almost my 40th week(due date) and i still didnt have signs that i might go into labor soon. i was scared that i might pass the due date, i dont want to be induced again. and even scary, i dont want to go through surgery! there was a lot of what ifs bothering me! 

anyway, so my due date finally came. 3rd sept. i woke up super early at 7am (well at least for me). my daugther was being fussy and i remember that i was being fussy too cause my daugther woke me up really early and i was so tired and i had this weird ache on my stomach. i gave her a bottle and i went back to sleep cause of the aches. 

we woke up again at around noon and was getting ready for my 2.50pm appointment. i started getting those aches again but i quickly shook it off cause i thought i was hungry! 

we went out at 2pm and went to the pos office to get my stuff and then to Ideal for lunch. i figured the ache will go away once my tummy are filled.. but no. so we went for appointment and the nurses checked baby's heartbeat and heartrate maybe and said that the baby arent active.. so the doctor came in and without warning.. she checked how many cm i was already and she said "1cm! 2cm! 3cm! 4cm! 5cm! she's ready to push!". i was really in shocked cause im already at 5cm! i really didnt expect those aches before was real contractions because it was barely that painful and it went away when i do something else (i was told that contraction pains wont go away if you do other things!). 

i planned to give birth at another hospital but since i was running out of time, the nurses asked me to stay. so i was brought up to the ward and the contraction pains were finally kicking in. it was really painful especially at the hip area :'( i was especially annoyed cause people kept on asking me questions during my contractions. i was ready to cuss them out, but was too busy inhaling and exhaling lol. like srsly, how can i have a conversation when i was in severe pain?! :( 

i was having contractions non stop and NO NURSE came to check up on me. so i told my husband to get the nurse to check me. they asked me to go to the back but i was too much in pain so they checked me on my bed instead. then they quickly brought me to the delivery room. i was really annoyed cause they should've checkup on me esp that i was already 5cm.. i could've deliver the baby on my bed if my husband didnt approached them. 

so at the delivery room.. it was really an unforgettable experience. i was fairly new to this. i cant remember when i first had airis. so i was scolded many times by the nurses cause i cant push right/position myself right/respond right/etc.......

i was super patient that time and said my prayers. but eventually maybe around 10-20mins in the delivery room, i delivered a beautiful baby girl at 8.42PM. then i had my stitches...... which was sorta painful and super uncomfortable. 


i was so tired from the pushing and closed my eyes and rest. but people kept on bugging me by asking my questions and i was really toooooo tired to even breathe a word! come on, i just gave birth! 

and the days passed by and i am getting better now. it was a bittersweet exprience for me. when i had my first daugther, it was different because it was an induced pregnancy and everything went so fast. and pushing only took like 5mins and it was really easy it felt like "big ball of jelly" coming out. even my stitches didnt hurt at all(barely felt anything). and my contractions..... i cant remember them. the postnatal pain is different also... for my first, i couldnt get myself to eat at all. i had nausea and my body ached all over so i couldnt barely walk. but for this one, i think im okay. the only pain is my leg area only after i wake up and i can eat just fine. infact, i'm always hungry! its almost a week now that i gave birth.. and i already think im healthy enough to back to work :)